How To Encourage The Reluctant ones

How To Encourage

The Reluctant ones

Not every participant at a Bible Study is going to be forthcoming and eager to contribute. Some people are natural recluses and for them to speak is like enticing a reluctant tortoise to make a move or a trap-door spider into the open. There are those chatterboxes who appear to have never understood the word “quiet” when in private but shy away from making comments in a group setting. To some extent this is overcome by getting the person to read and then comment on what they have just read. Because everybody does this, the reluctant ones do not feel they are being singled out and are more willing to participate.

            There are a number of behavioral tendencies that we may have which need to be avoided in order to encourage the reluctant ones.

One thing we should avoid is any form of moralizing or telling the participants what is required of them out of frustration. The aim is to make people feel comfortable by showing them by example what is expected of them after they have been informed how the meeting will be run. With the reluctant ones, even though they are not like a dog on a chain that has seen a cat and is choking at the neck to participate in the action, they will begin to find their voice in their own good time, and quite quickly, if they are not coerced, or feel they are being coerced.

It is tempting to go overboard with praise and expressing approval in order to encourage the reluctant ones; but by agreeing, approving and praising everything the reluctant one says, does begin to become a form of bearing false witness, if  what is said is not absolutely genuine. Excessive praise and approbation eventually comes across as false, and undermines the integrity of the those who attempt to see everything as “fantastic” or “absolutely wonderful” or “marvelous”. Reluctant ones see through masks and like a hiding turtle are quick to withdraw into their shells. Therefore, only genuine praise and approval ought to be expressed, and this can only happen when there is an element of realism.

Actually, the best way to encourage the reluctant ones is to express a form of empathy by paraphrasing what they have said. Paraphrasing is restating what a person has said rather than a quick summarization. This gives the person the feeling that he or she is being understood. This is not necessary with everyone, but with reluctant participants, paraphrasing enables them to truly feel they are being understood. A paraphrase of what a person has said usually starts with something like “So what you are saying is….or: If I am to understand you…” This way the reluctant ones feel they are in control of the situation and are not making a fool of themselves. Perceived put downs are often one of the reasons people become reluctant to participate in group settings.

Because paraphrasing requires more time than summarizing the main points of what a person has said, it should only be used for reluctant ones to encourage them.

Closed questions are a definite no-no with reluctant ones. They can work well when somebody has had too much airtime, because they only require a “yes” or “no” answer; but this is not a good means for encouraging reluctant contributors to participate in a group Bible Study. If anything, it is a signal to a reluctant one to withdraw from participation

Sometimes a reluctant one will make a statement and be uncertain of what he or she is really saying. The best means to help such a person is to reframe what they might be saying rather than paraphrase what they have stated. These are situations where what has been said is obviously off the mark and paraphrasing is not going to do anything other than make the person feel they look silly. By reframing what the person might have been trying to say, a better explanation is more likely to be produced.

When we are reframing what a person has said, we need to put ourselves in his or her situation, but express what we would do. Reframing what has been said could begin: “Just suppose I was in your situation, I think I would do (whatever)… What do you think about that?”

On a number of occasions, I have used the phrase “As (whoever) was saying..” and reframed what they have said in a summarization to great effect. On each occasion, the persons whom I have reframed have looked at me with a smile, and their face would glow.

Of course, we are not in another person’s shoes but, by suggestion that we are willing to try and put ourselves in another person’s situation has an amazing response. Usually this will not only elucidate approva,l but also some clarification on the part of the reluctant one, because all he or she needed was to feel that what was being said was acceptable. Whereas, if we were to use a closed question at the end of our attempt to reframe, this would come across as being arrogant on our part. A closed question would be something such as: “Is that what you were meaning?” or “Is this right?” or “Have I expressed what you were trying to say correctly?”

Humility always goes before honor and how much sweeter is the praise from another’s mouth about oneself than that from one’s own mouth. When we draw attention to our good works or skills by giving ourselves praise, we telegraph to others that we are self-righteous. We may not hear ourselves being self-righteousness, but others will perceive it as such. There is a big difference between thanking God that we have had the privilege to serve by giving glory to his name and telling others that God sees our good works, and will reward us for our good efforts.

In this regard, testimonies can also be encouraging rather than boasting. If we are to boast let us boast in the Lord and give Him the glory for what He has been doing in our lives. When we testify in humility, people who are reluctant to share, begin to see that we are trusting the Lord and not in our own strength. Consequently, the reluctant ones realize that if they do not measure up, our Lord Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, will enable them to do what is needed.

A testimony is always best shared from a grateful heart that treasures the fact Jesus’ loves us, not from how we might have done something better than someone else. For instance, we might be able to share about a time when we were afraid or felt inadequate, and we prayed to the Lord to give us the words to say, so that we could at least make a contribution and indicate to others we wanted to share with them and not be standoffish. 

At the first prayer meeting that I attended, I was very quiet. As the prayer meeting drew to a close, I sensed people were waiting for me to offer up a prayer. I felt so inadequate as the others seemed to pray so fluently and eloquently, whereas I also had a squeaky voice. Nevertheless, I prayed to the Lord aloud and said, “Lord Jesus please show me the Way, the Truth and the Life.” That was all I said. Even that was difficult for me at the time. In fact, I was somewhat taken aback when everyone there said “Amen!”  Nevertheless, they made me realize that I had friends in Christ, even though I did not know the people there at all really. God is so good.